My New Journey

In my blog I have shared my thoughts and my endeavors and even some silly stuff.  But I have decided to share something that is always on my mind and is really a struggle for me every day of my life.

My weight!!!

All my life my weight has been a problem for me.  Always the chubby kid.  Never the girl that the guys paid attention to.  Now don’t feel sorry for me, I have lived a good life.  I have a great job and I have a family and kids and husbands who loved me.  I just deep down have never truly loved myself.  That’s where the “husbands” come in.  It seems that it is hard to love someone when they don’t love themselves.  Again, don’t feel sorry for me.  I have lived and traveled and tons of fun in my life.  It’s just that there has always been this monkey on my back.

So, a few years ago, husband number two walked out of my life.  I was devastated.  I realized that I needed to “get right with myself.”  In the year after he left I had made great progress.  I lost about 80 pounds and was starting to like what I saw in the mirror.  I was a yellow belt in Karate, I worked as a bartender as a second job, I worked out faithfully and almost always ate the right choices.  Not always but I seemed to be learning.  Then, I fell in love.  I don’t know but all of a sudden “I” didn’t matter anymore.  It was right back to where it had always been my whole life.  Everything I did was all about everyone else in my life.  I can’t really seem to figure out why I do that but it must be some kind of personality disorder.  I have since gained 36 pounds back of what I lost.  I am feeling miserable about myself.

So I have a list of things that I would like to accomplish sometime in 2011.  This means that I need to put myself as a higher priority.  So now comes the balancing act.  I still want to be there for my family and I still want to take care of my charity responsibilities but I need to think about myself also.

I had this thought the other day when going through my closet looking for something to wear.  Here I am turning 49 this year and I have a closet full of clothes that I can’t fit into.  They are all adorable clothes.  They are clothes that I would feel terrific if I could wear them.  I said to myself, “What are you going to do, die someday with all these cute clothes in your closet.?”  Sounds stupid, I know.  But, if anyone out there has weight and self esteem issues like me, I am hoping they understand a little of what I am talking about.

So my journey begins today.  12/1/2010

There are many things I want to accomplish in the next 10 years of my life but the one’s I’ve written below are just the weight loss items for now. 

I want to feel comfortable continuing my martial arts training.

I want knee high boots that fit and look good.

I want to feel comfortable sitting in my husband’s lap.

I want to feel good enough about myself to dance as well as my husband. He is a terrific dancer.

I want to feel good in my own skin.

So I know I went on and on and now everyone who reads my blog knows some of my inner most thoughts.  I will keep this blog updated with my getting healthy journey as well as the other things I have going on in my life.